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November 21st, 2007

Mental Hospital Phone Hotline

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.  You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my work here is done...Your turn!

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Via boing boing gadgets:

iPhone Ownership Does Not Bestow Meteorology Degree
Posted by Joel Johnson, November 20, 2007 12:29 PM | permalink

From Patrick Smith’s hilarious (if apochryphal) account of a recent takedown of a snotty iPhone owner by an airline captain, part of a larger piece talking about how ridiculous a recent iPhone commercial was.

“Apparently, it’s already happening. On one of the frequent-flier blogs, an airline pilot writes that only moments after informing his passengers of a weather-related ground hold affecting their flight to Memphis, Tenn., he and his captain received a call from one of the flight attendants. Seems an iPhone-wielding customer in the back had a challenge. “Some guy with an iPhone says the weather is good,” the flight attendant says, “and wants to know what the real reason is for the delay. Is something wrong with the plane?”

I like that, “real reason.” The implication, as always, is that the carrier is lying or otherwise withholding some critical information. There must be some dangerous malfunction they’re not telling us about. After all, “the weather is good,” so obviously there’s no reason we can’t depart immediately.

Reportedly, the captain responded with a public address announcement that was sharp enough to elicit audible laughter from the cabin.

“If the passenger with the iPhone would be kind enough,” he began, “to use it to check the weather at our alternate airport, then calculate our revised fuel burn due to being rerouted, then call our dispatcher to arrange our amended release, then make a call to the nearest traffic control center to arrange a new slot time (among all the other aircraft carrying passengers with iPhones), we’ll then be more than happy to depart. Please ring your call button to advise the flight attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it ready and responsible for this multimillion-dollar aircraft and its 84 passengers to safely leave.”

Ask the pilot [Salon.com]

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