July 12th, 2009

Awesome me

"You're Fat!"

And this apparently is the root of my marital problems...HAH!

Had a conversation with one of our neighbors the other day. She does garage sales for a living, or pocket money, or something, I’m not sure which. She is a nice lady and is around my age, and most of the time she seems to be pretty much on the ball. Not the brightest person on the planet, but also not the dullest pencil in the box either.

Sometimes though, what ever comes into her head seems to come out of her mouth. I noticed the other day she had one of The Cool One’s old bunk beds in her driveway. I went over to see what was going on.

“Hey, your wife said I could try and sell this bed.”

“Not a problem for me.”

“She also said she’s got two dressers and a desk too she’s gonna let me sell.”

“Oh, but not the other bed?... Never-mind. Y’all doing any sales?”

“Kinda slow, but okay”


“You know your wife is pretty good lookin’”

“Oh yeah, she’s beautiful,” I said. And I meant it too. Herself is quite the beautiful woman and she doesn’t even have to work at it really. And when she does work at it, look out! Guys follow her across the room with their eyes. I know I did.

“T, you should lose some weight!”

“I kno - WHAT?!”

“Yeah you should try to lose some weight.”

This ought to be good I thought, “Okay, I’ll bite. Why?”

“Well if you lost some weight, you could...”

“Yes?” I was waiting...

If you lost some weight, I bet you could get her back!

What? Who?

Herself! You could get your wife back.”

“Really. You think it is because I’m fat, that we are breaking up?”


“There is only one flaw in your plan, dear. You really have no idea what has gone on, or what goes on in that house across the street.”

“I - ”

“You see, my weight gain really has nothing to do with this. Other than being a result, partially, BECAUSE we broke up.”

“I -”

“You haven’t really been listening when we’ve talked of this in the past,” I said. “Because if you had...You would know that no matter what, Herself and I do not WANT to be together.


“Because if we had, we would have worked this crap between us out a couple of years ago, instead of living separate lives in the same goddam house!

“Once this house sells, I have no intention of having ANY relationship with Herself, other that that of ex-husband!”

“I’ll let you know when or if that changes. In the mean time...” And I stopped here. Implication was....

Mind your business...And stay out of mine.